Bloggling Ramblings

I have had some blogging struggles lately, and I wanted to share some of my thoughts.  Several people have told me that they don't read my blog anymore because it makes them feel like a bad parent. That is the last thing I would ever want to make anyone feel like.  Those comments have made me evaluate why I even blog.  I started my blog initially to keep track of my bible study goal and to share insights from what I learn through studying His Word.  I also wanted to write and journal about our family.   I enjoy going back and reading and looking at photos from before.  Landon will kill me for this one, but he told me a few weeks ago that he was looking back through some old blog posts at his office.  He said he found himself tearing up like Clark Griswold on Christmas Vacation when he was trapped in the attic.

It is a way that our out of town family can keep track of our family.  However, through all of it, I don't want to be self-seeking, self-promoting, or self-glorifying.   I also would never want to make anyone feel bad in any way.  We are each gifted in different areas.  We also each have our own weaknesses and struggles.  I, too, have my own insecurities and fleshly desires that I battle on a daily basis.  I don't ever want to portray that I have it all together, have a perfect marriage, perfect children, or am the perfect parent.  That is far from the truth.  I feel like being a mom/woman is a constant juggling act between being where I should be in my spiritual life, being a loving and devoted wife, being a the best parent I can be, church activities and ministries, extra-curricular activities, exercising, eating healthy, housework....etc.  Sara Groves sings a song called "Finite" that really speaks to my soul at this time in my life.   Try to keep the whole thing try to keep an on time train.  This frenetic fascination's really driving me insane.  Anybody feel that? What God meant by woman I'm hard pressed to find.  I'm chasing paper dreams and a guilt undefined.  Fighting to stay younger trying to stay thin and in control.  Searching for a magic formula a thing to soothe our souls wonderin' where the peace went...

I'm not superwoman or supermom, and no one is.  It is impossible for me to have it all together in every area. When one is excelling, another is failing, whether my laundry is a mountain, my van is a rolling dumpster, or you have to hold your breath in order to open the refrigerator because something rank is in there. Right now, I am struggling in the eating healthy department, but I'm pretty consistent in my bible reading.  All of these fluctuate, but have yet to find it possible for areas to flourish and to succeed completely.  I bring a lot on myself, too, with high expectations and over-commitments to a point of a complete and utter anxiety attack because I'm stressed out.  Then who usually suffers? My family.  I'm learning to say no.  It's empowering.  I think I can do everything sometimes, but then after I've committed, I regret it because I end up stressed out.

Some days are a battle in homeschooling and I consider enrolling my kids in school and going back to work because it seems easier. However, there are so many good days, where all the other daily stresses are overridden by having a wonderful bible study with my children, overhearing them talk about something that we have learned, or seeing the spark when they get what you are teaching.  The other day, I was in awe of their biblical knowledge and understanding at such young ages.  No, they're not perfect, but I'm so thankful and blessed to be able to be their mother and to be the one to teach them.  Although homeschooling is no easy task, I love that I get the opportunity to be able to do it.  I love teaching them new things, to learn myself, and to come up with creative ideas for learning to be fun.  Sometimes they remember more than I do!

Whether you are a stay-at-home mom or work outside the home, life has its own challenges, struggles, and a level of guilt.  I have done both and they are equally difficult in their own unique way.  I think we as women would serve each other better if we encouraged one another instead of tearing each other down by the situations we are in.  I have heard both sides of this.  Women who stay at home make working mothers feel like a terrible mother because they aren't home.  I have also heard (and feel now) some resentment and negative comments about being a stay at home mom.  No matter where you are, whether in the home full time or not, I do not feel that either is productive and helps in any way because they both have their own challenges.

So, with all of that said, through my blog and everything else, I sincerely want to glorify God because I owe everything to Him.  He has saved me from a debt of sin that I could not pay.